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How to raise a child, without spoiling it?


The problem of raising children will always be relevant, because of proper education options are countless. Z. Freud at the time said that parents do, they will still raise the child properly. The reason for such a pessimistic attitude? That many parents, under the pressure of modern cultural attitudes, turn normal life into the contest, the game between parents and children. Question: who will win, and hangs in the air when parents complain about their children.

In this contest the child tries to maintain their natural existence, and the parent’s repeated attempts to enclose it in the framework of culture. Not all parents stand on the warpath. We will talk about those this situation considers the question of winning and losing. When a parent believes that if he does not make obedience from his child, he will lose, and this can damage his self-respect. The famous psychoanalyst, A. Lowen wittily named this game: “How to raise a child, not spoiling him.”

Received as a result of upbringing obedient child, with good manners, the parent receives well-deserved praise from friends, relatives and teachers. And those parents who have not coped with the task is weak, unworthy of the respect for the individual. “You let yourself twist, it sits around your neck, etc.” – hears “useless” parent. Well, who does not remember the theory of “glass of water”? In old age the child has to stand at the bedside of a parent with bottles in their hands.

Little baby, born, does not realize that it has already started to raise, and he just wants to drink, eat, sleep and be loved. But the mother already has an idea of how it’s the right thing to do; very often, her feeding schedule and love does not coincide with the desires of the child. Then used the policy of reward and punishment. The promotion is toys and indulgence to the whims, the punishment is the threat of loss of love, bans and restrictions, the physical impact. Parents think that all this is serious, the way it should be. They feel responsible for ensuring that the child does not grow up to be a loser with bad manners. Parents such education is called love, even though this attitude and says the lack of love for her child. Loving child, from their point of view, is an obedient child, and naughty is hostile.

This game means a lack of faith in your son or daughter. If a parent believes that the child is “a wild animal”, which you want to tame and make him a civilized being, the only means to do this – power and discipline. Who professes such installations, therefore, does not believe in themselves and in their own strength, and therefore in their child. Education, built on this basis, turns into a game: who. And the relationship becomes conflictual and tense.

Love, due to similar views on education, in its extreme form, comes to real rejection of the child. “I love you, when you’re a good boy,” says the mother. The child translates for myself, my mother loves me the way I am. Normal children often become stubborn and perseverance inherent in the growing self-realization, and the mother becomes harsh and hostile, and to prove the child is his innocence, the parent sees the conflict as a fundamental phenomenon and not as a normal everyday problem. The child feels it and responds aggressively to such attitude. If the beginning of the conflict properly, the results can be devastating. If the child is inferior due to feelings of guilt or just to appease him, his parents will spoil. Sensing his weakness, the next time the parents will be harder to do, but the daughter or son after learning he can achieve with his whims, will resist with even greater force. The circle closes, the relationship between parents and child turn into a contest that takes the never-ending nature. In some situations the winner is the child, other parents. For a child this game also becomes a matter of principle. He learned that to achieve the desired he can, if he outsmarts or perekrikivayut “the enemy”. According to A. Lowen: “because of this life experience of a person’s character develops sadomasochistic trait that negates all his efforts to find love.”

The concept of discipline, understood in this sense, means the penalty if the child has a disobedience, but if we consider the discipline as self-discipline, the meaning of education is different. Training and training are two different approaches. If we train, then we deprive the man of knowledge, if we have no faith in man, then, no faith in their own strength, we begin to project their own problems onto their children. The child will unconsciously deeply offended by the fact that parents have no faith in him, and the fact that it does not accept the way he is.

The child is born with rights that many parents are not aware of this right to be loved, the right to receive pleasure, and the right to Express their feelings. None of the adults would have refused such rights, and if we deprive yourself of this, then we will automatically have these rights away from children. Allowing children to be themselves implies that this permission can be taken away.

We are not talking about permissiveness, this type of education brings equally damaging for the individual. Allowing the parent is also confused myself and can’t give the child a hard life guidelines.

Responsibility for education rests with parents, but they need to realize that no harsh discipline or permissiveness will not solve the problem. Self-discipline and self-control to replace the authoritarian system of education, this approach includes the responsibility for meeting the needs of the child, “baby” is allowed to determine when and what he will eat, based on what is available for him; he determines when and how much it will hold, it is not forced to develop control over excretory functions, while physically and psychologically not ready for it. Self-regulation enables the mother to take the child for what he is, because every child develops physiologically individually. Parents, supporters of self-discipline, will develop the same quality. The child must turn to parents for support and advice.

Rules and restrictions are necessary, but they should not be rigid and unchanging, because they should strengthen the child’s safety, not to take away his freedom. The rules that are imposed on the child, must conform to the lifestyle of the parents, i.e. the mother and father must adhere to the same rules. It is impossible for parents to have their priorities, and the children. A loving parent is not the one who punishes or permits, and the one who understands the needs of a growing man, understands that what matters is not words, but the sentiments expressed in action. A loving mother is a mother who enjoys spending time with her child, she doesn’t regret the time spent with him, she is not outraged with the requirements to pay attention to him. To understand how much a mother loves her child, you need to ask: how much time she spends with him and how much pleasure she gets from communicating with the child.

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