When I want to know how critical were the parents, I ask the person two questions:
1) What did your mother say when you wanted to criticize?
2) What did your mother say when she wanted to cheer you on, to praise, to support?
If the first question people respond immediately, not long rummaging through the memories, and lists a number of unflattering definitions or hesitate to repeat the words of the mother, and the second can’t remember any nice words, it means that he was raised critical parent.
Silence, deep feelings, tears in response to the first question suggests the same. In dysfunctional families the ratio of censure and praise is at least 10:1. To equalize this ratio or even reach 1:10.
The classic type critical parent is a demanding parent in extreme severity, demanding an extremist. In any critical behavior of the parent finds a drawback, you can specify that you can criticize negatively evaluated.
Criticism is necessary for parents to control the lives of their sons and daughters, to impose their will, be forced to accept what is to be said.
The style of criticism can be as obvious
“You’re something can be done sensibly or you have two left hands?”,
and hidden . enclosed in double message.
— “You are such a good girl, and clever, and beautiful, but the character you have. I do not envy the one who will have the misfortune to marry you”.
Can criticize and so. Daughter brought from school essay, praised by teacher before class and rated as “excellent”. The father picked up the essay, long regarded it skeptically, then said, “No, can’t be that it wrote our Veronica”. Said very little, but the joy of Veronica vanished immediately.
Sometimes critics of the son, and his chosen one, the girl he likes trying to diminish in the eyes of its dignity, and to exaggerate the flaws.
Behind the facade of a confident, firmly know what to do with the children and all others, parents are hiding unhappy people . who in childhood had unsuccessfully sought the praise and love of their parents, but remained underrated and under-loved. They in childhood has been criticized by parents and believed in what they were told.
Whole life criticizing parents strived and still strive for perfection at any cost (it’s called perfectionism), even at the expense of the welfare of their children. And yet parents deep down, feel themselves to be losers. Their criticism of children is criticism and rejection of ourselves.
Motto criticizing parents, their message to the children fulfilled the following meaning:
“You can’t do anything.”
It is possible that a boost, encouraging children to sverhozhirenie, to perform a particular job in the best way (according to the idea criticizes the parents, all you need to do, as) is a lifelong pursuit of the parents for sverhozhirenie that now they were evaluated, they were praised by the most important people, i.e. their parents.
One 40-year-old woman said: “I wanted so much to daughter graduated from high school with a medal. My mom would be happy.” Her mother was no longer alive. The power of parents over children continues after the death of his parents.
Despite the fact that parents feel losers in life they are perfectionists. perfect – perfect, flawless). They strive to be the best and children to this urge.
Perfectionism is the eternal pursuit of perfection, i.e. the limits of the possible, a desire to ensure that, in principle, impossible. Because the world is not perfect. Perfectionism is a double-edged weapon. Striving for the unattainable, illusory goals, the parents themselves and their children put in a situation where they are doomed to fail, failure, defeat.
To feel more or less well, parents need to criticize others. Emphasizing the shortcomings of children, parents can rise in their own eyes.
Low self-esteem is an important characteristic of codependency. Parents like to prove to themselves that they are right and others are wrong. Parents can continue to compete with children, wanting a victory, and another defeat. To do this, they undermine their children’s self-confidence. Mothers and fathers as if afraid to be exposed, because actually they’re not so committed as presented, their superiority is very fragile. So afraid that her daughter may be more attractive than the mother, and the son is smarter than his father. There is a rivalry.
Why parents still don’t love myself? Is it wrong to be who we really are? Perhaps it is because they themselves grew up under the negative bombardment of their parents. All my life they experienced difficulties, as well as live on the higher level, beyond the requirements and expectations of their own parents is almost impossible, anyway painful. Who can live without right for mistake?
Now this feeling of life is passed on to children. So unfolds a family scenario. As a result of education criticizing their parents, children tend to sverhozhirenie, become workaholics and put myself in a situation where they are doomed to fail. The children understood the message of the family and believe that nothing can be done as follows. No matter how great real achievements, a native of criticizing the family the family is not satisfied with life.
Kids criticize parents may become angry, indignant, too critical of everyone around them, they’re afraid to take risks in business, not to fall in losses, not to make mistakes. They feel false, not real people, which is about to reveal. Whatever they did, things wouldn’t have reached, they will be a lifetime to hear the critical voice of the parent.
Often sounding phrase in such families the following.
== What were you thinking when you did that?
== Wow, stupid!
== I can’t believe you did it.
== You seem to be awfully angry (confused, stupid, stupid). Now change!
== You never can make it work!
== I can’t believe you did it again, I told you so many times said it was impossible!
== Well, what do you think about his behavior?
== You – daddy number two. You’re exactly the same as he.
== You sit up straight, stop nail biting.
Reminder that children are stupid, unattractive, clumsy, Sluts, stupid, ugly, etc. can undermine and even destroy the sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
The formal confidence of the parents combined with the fact that they show little emotion towards children. Love, no sympathy. Explanation: “And then sit on his head”. Parents are afraid that love will bring him children and then the children can recognise their internal far from perfect world.