I’m afraid to kill her child
Read articles and forum, and instant tears to the eyes. I had no idea that there is such a beast – OCD. Thought I’m likewise going crazy. Thoughts to kill the baby – and that with a knife or throw out the window, or strangle is in lock – step with me. The trains – insanely afraid of the approaching train, and when you sit in it, just so relieved that everything worked out. I’m afraid to fall under the wheels or suddenly someone throw. Especially creepy when the next closest person. I want at this point definitely bothering him, and it is better to squeeze a hand or even to grab, to hold, to realize that actually I don’t want him to go down: whether to keep him around, to protect from the train, or on the contrary, purely symbolically, as though for fun, there to push (literally half a centimeter) to prove to herself that here, as I do, so I’m not afraid. The same and near highways. Not to say that these thoughts seized me entirely, not let go for a moment and really hurt to live but when it appears, it becomes very, very scary. That is, a situation, in principle, not critical, but it depresses me.
Can you describe the mechanism itself. the motives. Here comes, for example, the thought of killing the child with a knife. Baby is sleeping peacefully in the crib. Sample dialogue. The thought: “Look how he is helpless, weak, what a wreath around his neck. And you’re big and strong, you’re holding a knife, you slice the meat. And could kill him?” I, in horror: “Why. that’s my kid. ” Thought “just because. In order to know – would you? It’s just a physical action that you can do. It’s so physically difficult. People have too many rules and regulations – break system, become freer!” I: “This is my child, I love him, and I’m not going to do that, I don’t want”. The thought: “I dare want? Now, if you’re going to get a knife and come to the crib, what do you feel?” I understand the delusional thought, but still are asking this absurd question: what will I feel coming up with a knife to the bed. Well, actually, with a knife I have never approached, but hands around my neck baby I was holding. Slightly even pressed down. It was still a knife tried your hand cut, feel, imagining that I am this other person whom I kill, true. That is, to imagine yourself in the place of self-sacrifice and thereby rashotte to commit violence. More: to touch the leg of the baby’s head when he was on the floor for a second to let go of hands when bathed. Then came the feeling that I don’t want that. Tears, remorse, shame. The child is not frightened. But I have a terrible terror arose: if I could, DARE, the next step can be a real murder? Though everywhere and write that such cases are not recorded, but suddenly it’s not just OCD. That’s interesting, different maniacs who are insane, all of a sudden they have this mechanism is exactly the same: “Dare? it’s so physically difficult. ” And he up and bail. Incidentally, I am concerned about that the thought of killing occurs most often in such moments, when I see the helplessness of man: sleeping, sitting back, or near hazardous facilities. Then a thought seemed to suggest my superiority and power. And what concerns me at least: when the child hits and crying, or crying when frightened, I feel sometimes that I want evil to laugh and to scare you even more, instead of to regret. As the clouding. What’s all this – hidden aggression, which is dangerous and can lead to real disastrous consequences OCD or tricks, then this in itself is not dangerous? Is all about, to OCD provoked the release of latent aggression (whether OCD mixed with some abnormalities, particularly those that make a person dangerous)?
Then when that passes, I realize the horror of these thoughts, and I want to hold baby closer, to hug and not let go. Tears, snot, “never gonna let you” and so on. And already a new wave of delirium: the fear for the child’s life, in all colors thoughts about what would happen if I did, to the point that would admit me to the funeral or not, in prison I’d been in prison or in a mental hospital, how could look the child is dead, then fear for the life of her husband, other relatives, my own, finally. Suffered, in short. Like a snowball. And I understand that but I can’t get rid of. Because 5 minutes ago it didn’t seem so crazy, it seemed like I really can make anything happen. Well, what Raskolnikov also first tried on. And even if it’s only a character, moreover, with a very definite motive, but still. I remember when I read it, the hair stood up on end (Yes, suddenly and Dostoyevsky also suffered from OCD) =)
For completeness, let me add a few facts. On aggression: violent scenes extremely unpleasant for me. Direct warps when in the movies of trauma and blood. From real blood is dizzy circles before the eyes, in the ears of noise. In childhood, when the village pig slaughter, I’m in tears ran to the neighbors and sat all day in the farthest room. Life as I can remember, I hate to be in the butcher shop. Especially when there are different hooves, ears, nickels and other horrors. Although I eat meat. But, being impressionable, I prefer not to see all these ugly realities associated with their extraction.
And life situation in General. Recently emerged from a state of prolonged stress and depression. First post-partum depression. The birth was long, period of physical recovery for about a month, about the same emotional “fermentation” lasted: could not fully grasp myself a mother, not getting enough sleep, not enough time to do anything else. Then serious illness and death very close to me. And now these obsessive thoughts. They actually were, before the birth, but were, most often, a different character. His imagination pictured some other entity inside me, sort of the dark side that sometimes “taking” and wanted to hurt me. So once I went away from home after an argument on a few hours and was going to go far, far away, “dare” to change your life, to break the system and become free. I went on impulse, but then there was a bright obsession that had the sense not to implement. I have thought much on the subject of this entity and came to the conclusion that it is really the reverse side of me, but I have the advantage of a body. Then she can use mine for the implementation of their goals. But it does capture my brain. So the most important thing in the fight with her – let her know that I realize where my goals, and where, and I’m not going to give her that love. But the problem is that it is not always possible to do it quickly. If you miss the time – delay, so that then for a long time not to come off. Maybe there is any thought-blocks, some formula that can neutralize these fears? Stop these eternal internal punctuation.
By the way, sometimes as an argument for killing this entity argued that we still all die, sooner or later, and humans (particularly children) would be even better if he went to the light, not knowing the suffering and disease that may be expected in the future. That is, killing to save. It already looks like a philosophy of terrorism, but I want to believe that all is reduced only to OCD.
I want to ask You: can I handle this on my own, judging from the description, or here also can not do without help? Overall, I believe that able to handle myself, because in many cases it turns out somehow by itself. For example, “Ah, this is the same idea? well, let her stay and go to her, I have to catch still nothing, I don’t want it”. Sometimes it works. But not always. So, if possible, tell me how we are to behave in my case.